Citizen Columns
Question
Have you ever lost your faith?
Answer
I was at McGill University as an economics student in the 1970s. I identified myself as Russian Orthodox, liked going to church, was a reader and sang in the choir. I had grown up in church circles and appreciated the peace and beauty of Orthodox services. The church I attended in Montreal was full of warm memories of grandparents, aunts and uncles, childhood friends and family celebrations. It was comfortable.
At university I discovered for the first time people of intellectual stature for whom faith embraced everything in their life. I remember going to a meeting at which a priest had been invited to speak. I'd never seen anything like this. The room was packed with students and professors, all listening intently to what the priest had to say. I left with a sense that there was much more to faith than I had ever imagined.
But I was leading a double life. The social side of my university experience was in total contrast to my pious singing in church and to the vague stirrings of intelligent faith. I would sometimes come home from the world of candles, icons and incense, and then slip into a world of parties, drinking and sex. Eventually this collision caught up with me and left me ashamed and scared of what I was capable of doing to others and to myself.
At the lowest point I found myself going to see the priest to talk about all this. We spoke informally, in his kitchen, but I'll never forget the sense of forgiveness and peace that filled that room. What a gift. And that for me was the real beginning of faith in God as truly present, loving and forgiving. I have struggled with temptations daily since then, including hard-heartedness, lack of love and selfishness. But this gift of faith in God's goodness, warmth, acceptance and forgiveness has never left me.
Father John Jillions
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