Citizen Columns

Citizen Columns >> Answer (January 27th, 2007)

Question

What is our moral obligation to friends we just don't like anymore?

Answer

You first need to ask why it is you don't like them anymore. Have you drifted apart because you lead different kinds of lives that have less and less in common? Or was it something they did that hurt you or betrayed your trust? Jesus calls his disciples friends, but is repeatedly frustrated with them (...How long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you?" Matt 17:17). They end up abandoning him when he needs them most. But he forgives and forgives and keeps on loving them. This isn't surprising for someone who teaches the love of enemies, let alone old friends. But the deliberate decision to love those we dislike can often lead us to like them as well. In contrast, Judas was increasingly disillusioned with Jesus and eventually decided that neither the friendship nor Jesus was worth keeping.

However, there is a flip side. Your dislike of these old friends may be your fault and not theirs. Did you do something to hurt them? Are you jealous of them for some reason? If so, then that may be the source of your dislike. It's a basic rule that when we offend someone, or are envious and don't acknowledge it, we will end up disliking them and finding reasons to justify ourselves. If this is the case, then it's time for you to admit it and make amends. And maybe then you'll start liking your old friend again and - if it's not too late - the friendship can be restored. If you don't take this step, then you risk making your stubbornness an ingrained character trait that will cut you off from one friend after another. This can only make your heart progressively colder and harder and rob you of life's joy. "Jealousy and anger shorten life, and anxiety brings on old age too soon (Sirach 30:24).

Sometimes we just need to accept the messy imperfections of ourselves and of our friends if we value friendship.

Father John Jillions