Citizen Columns

Citizen Columns >> Answer (October 26th, 2007)

Question

With many people living longer these days how can families treat their elders with respect even though they may be getting ill tempered or confused?

Answer

This is not just a matter of aging. It's what happens when we get to know anyone and their foibles: we make allowances, we learn to accept them for who they are, and we learn to forgive and to ask forgiveness. We also confront on occasion instead of tiptoeing around, talking down or patronizing them. We also need a break from them from time to time. This is part of the give and take of any relationship. But this becomes more and more unnatural when Grandma or Grandpa is a stranger. So to answer your question, the first thing we can do is preventive: make efforts over a lifetime to bring generations together.

Put yourself in their shoes. You don't know what it feels like to be aging. Assume he or she is doing the best they can. They may be sensitive about being a burden, about being boring, about taking up your time, that you have better things to do. Slow down, take the time to listen and be present. Don't act as if they aren't there. Don't make a big fuss about what needs doing. Be a "cheerful giver". Ask about their life. Listen patiently even when you hear the stories over and over again. Give them permission to be frustrated. Allow them to talk about issues that might be difficult for you but could be on their minds: regrets, fears, illness, death of friends and relatives, their own approaching death, funeral arrangements. Take this time as a gift from God to bring you together, but also to teach you any number of things you yourself might need to learn, like patience and forgiveness.

Finally, remember that you will be there some day. In a village a woman was annoyed with her elderly mother for repeatedly dropping and breaking dishes. One day the woman angrily told her young daughter to go to the town and buy the grandmother a wooden bowl. The girl came back with two bowls saying, "I bought an extra one for you."

Father John Jillions